Communication in the Family

Hallo

Ciao

Përshëndetje

We communicate every day. We communicate with family, coworkers, friends, classmates, strangers, neighbors, and so on. It’s a huge thing and it is especially important in every marriage and family. You probably were able to guess what the first two words meant, or maybe you already knew them. However, you most likely didn’t know what the last word meant and had to infer its definition from the other two words. Even though this was just a simple exercise using the word “hello” in different language, it shows the importance of understanding and communicating.

There is a whole process to communication. First, there is a thought or a feeling. This is followed by your brain encoding the thoughts and feelings. This is where your mother’s voice comes to the back of your head saying “Think about what you are going to say before you are going to say it.” This is followed by mediums/media, including body language, eye contact, tone, gestures, your words in a text message, and more. The person you are communicating with then decodes the information – much like how a computer decodes information – and this is followed by them creating their own thoughts and feelings. This is a simplified version of what happens in communication, and I think all of us would like to read minds so we can avoid the awkwardness or tension of miscommunication.

Interestingly enough, a lot of miscommunication doesn’t come from what we say, but how we say it and what we do while we are saying it. Words only count for 14% of communication, while tone counts for 35% and nonverbal cues count for 51%. This is a major reason why a lot of problems arise while communicating.

Further communication problems come from the fact that women and men communicate very differently. My grandma told me of this a few years ago along with a story when her and my grandpa were driving home together from their cabin towards the start of their marriage. My grandma drops the hint that she’s thirsty as they near a gas station. (Women are hint droppers.) My grandpa, misinterpreting this information, decodes the message as her saying that she wants to get home faster so she can get a drink. Although trivial in this situation, the two different ways of thinking can turn up in any situation and cause many problems.

So, be patient with one another. Communication is a life-long learning process. Work on it together and be transparent as you can so you are always trying to stay on the same page. It won’t be perfect, but be patient with whom you are communicating, and also yourself. You are creating a culture when you marry someone and starting a family. Each culture has their own language, slang, and different forms of mediums/media. And this holds true for families: you create your own form of communication.

To quote Dan Oswald, “Communication must be HOT. That’s Honest, Open, and Two-way.” Communication is vital in everyday life, so learning to communicate effectively won’t only help you but others around you. It makes life easier when you understand those around you, and they understand you – and not when you are not speaking (or hearing) what seems like a foreign language.

Au Revoir

Challenges in Family Life

Life is a roller-coaster. There are ups and downs, and family life is no different. There will be high moments filled with joy and bliss, but there will also be moments of stress and crisis. What are the differences between a stressor and a crisis? To me, a stressor is a short-term period of stress and anxiety. This could be normal day-to-day stresses, and they generally won’t have any lasting effects. Crisis on the other hand, sounds a bit more serious. Crises are intense events that cause major amounts of stress, fear, anxiety, trouble, and more. They are long-term and will have lasting effects on the family most of the time. Crises can change the family structure. An example of a crisis is a family member being terribly ill, or suddenly taken away from this life, or a parent/spouse losing a job.

Both of the examples of crisis I gave actually happened to my family and I. They were definite low moments in life. My grandma passed away when I was in 6^th grade. She had been battling cancer for years. Although her death was not a surprise, it still took a huge emotional toll on my family – especially my grandpa. But with this crisis, the bonds within our family were strengthened. We relied on each other for emotional support, and we did more activities with my grandpa. This family crisis was a hard time for my family, but with time, the pain faded and my grandpa remarried a wonderful woman. It was a happy ending, but I understand that not every family experiences the same thing or has the same outcome.

The Chinese translation for “crisis” actually is a combination of two words: danger and opportunity. It can be seen as two sides of the same coin. This can apply to the second big crisis in my family when my dad lost his job when the company was downsizing. Although my family was a little bit in financial danger and my dad was in emotional danger because he could not fulfill his role as the provider, the crisis was an opportunity in disguise. He was not out of work for very long, and the job he found is better than the one he lost. There are many stressors and crises that families go through that threaten to upset the family structure, but I think always loving and supporting each other through whatever happens can help any family overcome the downhill moments in the roller-coaster of life.

Sex in Marriage

Continuing with the topic of marriage, it’s only natural that sex is brought up. The level of satisfaction of sexual intimacy is a good predictor of how successful a marriage is; it’s a reflection of the rest of the relationship. There are other factors that therapists consider, but I’m focusing on this for my blog post.

Everywhere I go, it seems like “sex” is a dirty word and it’s something that is never really talked about. People seem to sweep the topic under a mat to avoid any awkwardness and inappropriateness. But is this really healthy? Sex is not a bad thing. In my own opinion, I think the action of love-making is a very sacred and beautiful experience that should be saved for marriage. It’s something that you and your spouse get to discover together, and it also bonds you together. There’s an analogy that I heard and would like to share: It’s your wedding day. Everything so far has been perfect. There ceremony is over and the reception is just about over. But towards the end of your reception, a gift is delivered to you and your spouse. The gift is from your very wealthy aunt. Now this aunt – on top of being unbelievably wealthy – is also very stylish and has amazing taste. Unfortunately, she could not make it to your wedding, so she sends this beautiful gift instead. Now, this gift is bea-u-ti-ful. The wrapping is perfectly done, and the bow is big and gorgeous, and overall, the gift looks like it’s going to be amazing. How would you and your spouse approach this gift? I think most of us would approach it very carefully, talking the time to slowly unwrap the gift together. It’s the same with sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that is discovered slowly, and together. Take the time to figure out what’s best for the two of you, and know that there is no reason to rush – you have the rest of your lives to wrap a beautiful and sacred thing.

Transitions in Marriage

Now, let’s talk a little about transitioning into marriage. 

Many studies have shown that marriage is better than cohabitating. People who cohabitate are three times more likely to divorce once they get married. This goes against the widespread belief that cohabiting before marriage will make the marriage more successful and satisfying. Also, cohabiting couples keep their separate course in life and share some resources. This isn’t likely to change over time – even if they do eventually get married. It’s like two vertical, parallel lines. In a marriage, everything is on the table, and everything is shared. The couple’s lives are intertwined and resemble two lines that meet each other and continue as one line.

But there are a few things that go on before you tie the knot. Engagements and wedding planning! Even when you’re engaged to the love of your life, it’s still important to date each other and establish patterns that you want to take into your marriage. Next, is planning the big day! I have always loved weddings since I was a little girl and would often dress as a bride and hold a bouquet of flowers in my hands. My excitement to plan my wedding has only increased since then. But I was a little dismayed to find out how much a wedding costs. As of 2009, the average wedding cost $27,000. As a poor college student, I’m thinking about how many tacos from Café Rio that can buy. A wedding does not have to cost that much. Who pays for that anyways? Bride’s parent’s, loans, credit cards, the combined incomes of the engaged couple? All of the above? Let’s talk about the downsides to these. Problems with the bride’s parents paying for the wedding: parents might have the idea that the couple “owes them” because of everything they spent on the wedding instead of other things: Christmas at their house, grandkids at their house and so on. Loans and credit cards are obviously bad, and you should not start a marriage with a huge amount of financial debt because of one day. And the combining the incomes of the couple is a bit unrealistic for most people, seeing  how $27,000 is a lot to come up with in your twenties and thirties. All of these things create a strain on relationships – and it’s completely unnecessary. If you have a small budget, use it to the best of your ability. Is a wedding that is way out of your budget really necessary for your happiness? The purpose of a wedding is to celebrate the union of two families and present yourself and your spouse to the community as a married couple. So, these are just some things to think about if you’re planning a wedding in the future.

Preparing For Marriage

Today’s topic will be fun: Dating!

Is dating dead? Now days, it seems like people just “hang out” with each other and call it a date. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is not a date. For something to be considered a “date,” it needs to follow the rule of the three P’s: Paid for, Planned, and Paired off. Let’s talk about these for a moment. When I say “paid for,” I don’t mean a date is only a date if you use money. Instead, it just means having the resources in place. Next, “planned” means that you are not sending a spontaneous text at the last minute. It is thought through, and there is a “When” a “What” and a “Where.” There is a purpose. This also shows respect to the person you are asking on a date, and it tells them that their time is valuable. Planning things out also establishes that it is, in fact, a date and not just a hangout. Finally, being paired off means you and the person you ask on a date are together, and you two are responsible for each other. Look out for one another and keep each other safe. Pairing off also shows commitment to the person (which will later help you out in the future with your spouse – but that’s a later topic.) Dating is fun and it’s preparation for marriage. There’s the saying that the way we date is the way we marry.  So date a wide variety of people in a variety of ways because you can learn so much and make fun memories.

If dating is so great, then why is it so different now than it was 50 years ago? Today, it seems like we date fewer people, and from what I’ve seen, people mostly date exclusively and then dump the person later. “Date ‘em ‘til you hate ‘em” is a phrase that we use to describe this. This directly goes against what I said just a second ago. Why are people hung up on the titles “boyfriend” and “girlfriend?” Also, there is another unnecessary and silly problem with dating: We don’t know what it means anymore. People aren’t on the same page anymore. There are many stories where people don’t know if they’re dating or not. Or one thinks they’re dating and the other thinks they are just friends. This leads to a lot of problems and a lot of tension. Make it clear, people! And maybe, instead of calling it dating, if you are dating the person you want to eventually marry, call it a courtship. It’s so dumb that we have so many definitions and confusions over a concept that has been going on for years and years.

Anyways, dating – if done correctly – can be fun, memorable, and insightful. Date many types of people and try new things. And ladies, it’s okay to ask the guys out on dates. There’s a really great article about this that I encourage you to read. http://ldsmag.com/article-1-12419/