Parenting

Even if you are not a parent quite yet, I want to share some advice that I received when it comes to parenting. I am not yet a parent either, but being a mother is very important to me, and I want to do the best I can when I become one.
Children need contact, love, and belonging. Who better to provide this than their parents? Offer contact freely. As my professor of Family Relations stated, "Contact is like food -- you don't wait until your child passes out to feed them." Withholding contact and love have long-term consequences that parents don't always consider. I don't think I even quite grasp just how vitally important it is for developing children.
Also, children need encouragement as they grow up in order to better avoid destructive behavior. Build on the children's strengths. Show confidence in their abilities. Value your child for who they are. And stimulate their independence. Focus on the needs of the children, and not their behavior. This leads to discouraging actions on the parents' part such as focusing on mistakes, expecting the worst or too little, expecting too much, and being overprotective.
Encouraging your children and giving love and contact freely can have life-long benefits for the children can help improve parent-child relationships.

Family and Finances

      Finances, for many couples around the world, create marriage and family tension and conflict. The reasons for this is unique to the family. But what if you could help ease this in your own family? Would you do it? In the pamphlet, "One for the Money," Elder Marvin J. Ashton gives individuals and families counsel on financial management responsibility. The information provided is the same that many financial professionals would charge you for. I encourage you to read the article here.

       I'm going to outline the major points in his article as part of this blog post because I found this to be incredibly useful and I want others to take advantage of this life-changing knowledge. First, in a marriage, the finances should be handled together so both the husband and wife are on the same page when it comes to how much money is being earned and how much is being spent. This is something that has only recently been introduced into my family. My mom would always handle the finances, and my dad had a general idea of where we were at. This caused some problems because the combination of my dad's lack of knowing exactly where our financial standing was at and his yellow personality led to him wanting to buy many things we could not afford. My mom had to put down her foot every time. This led to a little conflict because they were both in the wrong. Now, both of my parents are involved in the financial process, and things are better. Next, Elder Ashton gives the reader 12 points to improve financial management within the family. They are:

• Teach family members early the importance of working and earning.
• Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend.
• Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare.
• Learn to manage money before it manages you.
• Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters.
• Use a budget.
• Make education a continuing process.
• Work toward home ownership.
• Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program.
• Strive to understand and cope with existing inflation.
• Appropriately involve yourself in a food storage program.

As you can see, the information (which goes more in-depth in the actual article) will not only be an immense help to you, but also to your children. Again, I encourage you to read the article. It has ben a great help to me, and will continue to be as I start a family of my own.

Communication in the Family

Hallo

Ciao

Përshëndetje

We communicate every day. We communicate with family, coworkers, friends, classmates, strangers, neighbors, and so on. It’s a huge thing and it is especially important in every marriage and family. You probably were able to guess what the first two words meant, or maybe you already knew them. However, you most likely didn’t know what the last word meant and had to infer its definition from the other two words. Even though this was just a simple exercise using the word “hello” in different language, it shows the importance of understanding and communicating.

There is a whole process to communication. First, there is a thought or a feeling. This is followed by your brain encoding the thoughts and feelings. This is where your mother’s voice comes to the back of your head saying “Think about what you are going to say before you are going to say it.” This is followed by mediums/media, including body language, eye contact, tone, gestures, your words in a text message, and more. The person you are communicating with then decodes the information – much like how a computer decodes information – and this is followed by them creating their own thoughts and feelings. This is a simplified version of what happens in communication, and I think all of us would like to read minds so we can avoid the awkwardness or tension of miscommunication.

Interestingly enough, a lot of miscommunication doesn’t come from what we say, but how we say it and what we do while we are saying it. Words only count for 14% of communication, while tone counts for 35% and nonverbal cues count for 51%. This is a major reason why a lot of problems arise while communicating.

Further communication problems come from the fact that women and men communicate very differently. My grandma told me of this a few years ago along with a story when her and my grandpa were driving home together from their cabin towards the start of their marriage. My grandma drops the hint that she’s thirsty as they near a gas station. (Women are hint droppers.) My grandpa, misinterpreting this information, decodes the message as her saying that she wants to get home faster so she can get a drink. Although trivial in this situation, the two different ways of thinking can turn up in any situation and cause many problems.

So, be patient with one another. Communication is a life-long learning process. Work on it together and be transparent as you can so you are always trying to stay on the same page. It won’t be perfect, but be patient with whom you are communicating, and also yourself. You are creating a culture when you marry someone and starting a family. Each culture has their own language, slang, and different forms of mediums/media. And this holds true for families: you create your own form of communication.

To quote Dan Oswald, “Communication must be HOT. That’s Honest, Open, and Two-way.” Communication is vital in everyday life, so learning to communicate effectively won’t only help you but others around you. It makes life easier when you understand those around you, and they understand you – and not when you are not speaking (or hearing) what seems like a foreign language.

Au Revoir

Challenges in Family Life

Life is a roller-coaster. There are ups and downs, and family life is no different. There will be high moments filled with joy and bliss, but there will also be moments of stress and crisis. What are the differences between a stressor and a crisis? To me, a stressor is a short-term period of stress and anxiety. This could be normal day-to-day stresses, and they generally won’t have any lasting effects. Crisis on the other hand, sounds a bit more serious. Crises are intense events that cause major amounts of stress, fear, anxiety, trouble, and more. They are long-term and will have lasting effects on the family most of the time. Crises can change the family structure. An example of a crisis is a family member being terribly ill, or suddenly taken away from this life, or a parent/spouse losing a job.

Both of the examples of crisis I gave actually happened to my family and I. They were definite low moments in life. My grandma passed away when I was in 6^th grade. She had been battling cancer for years. Although her death was not a surprise, it still took a huge emotional toll on my family – especially my grandpa. But with this crisis, the bonds within our family were strengthened. We relied on each other for emotional support, and we did more activities with my grandpa. This family crisis was a hard time for my family, but with time, the pain faded and my grandpa remarried a wonderful woman. It was a happy ending, but I understand that not every family experiences the same thing or has the same outcome.

The Chinese translation for “crisis” actually is a combination of two words: danger and opportunity. It can be seen as two sides of the same coin. This can apply to the second big crisis in my family when my dad lost his job when the company was downsizing. Although my family was a little bit in financial danger and my dad was in emotional danger because he could not fulfill his role as the provider, the crisis was an opportunity in disguise. He was not out of work for very long, and the job he found is better than the one he lost. There are many stressors and crises that families go through that threaten to upset the family structure, but I think always loving and supporting each other through whatever happens can help any family overcome the downhill moments in the roller-coaster of life.

Sex in Marriage

Continuing with the topic of marriage, it’s only natural that sex is brought up. The level of satisfaction of sexual intimacy is a good predictor of how successful a marriage is; it’s a reflection of the rest of the relationship. There are other factors that therapists consider, but I’m focusing on this for my blog post.

Everywhere I go, it seems like “sex” is a dirty word and it’s something that is never really talked about. People seem to sweep the topic under a mat to avoid any awkwardness and inappropriateness. But is this really healthy? Sex is not a bad thing. In my own opinion, I think the action of love-making is a very sacred and beautiful experience that should be saved for marriage. It’s something that you and your spouse get to discover together, and it also bonds you together. There’s an analogy that I heard and would like to share: It’s your wedding day. Everything so far has been perfect. There ceremony is over and the reception is just about over. But towards the end of your reception, a gift is delivered to you and your spouse. The gift is from your very wealthy aunt. Now this aunt – on top of being unbelievably wealthy – is also very stylish and has amazing taste. Unfortunately, she could not make it to your wedding, so she sends this beautiful gift instead. Now, this gift is bea-u-ti-ful. The wrapping is perfectly done, and the bow is big and gorgeous, and overall, the gift looks like it’s going to be amazing. How would you and your spouse approach this gift? I think most of us would approach it very carefully, talking the time to slowly unwrap the gift together. It’s the same with sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that is discovered slowly, and together. Take the time to figure out what’s best for the two of you, and know that there is no reason to rush – you have the rest of your lives to wrap a beautiful and sacred thing.

Transitions in Marriage

Now, let’s talk a little about transitioning into marriage. 

Many studies have shown that marriage is better than cohabitating. People who cohabitate are three times more likely to divorce once they get married. This goes against the widespread belief that cohabiting before marriage will make the marriage more successful and satisfying. Also, cohabiting couples keep their separate course in life and share some resources. This isn’t likely to change over time – even if they do eventually get married. It’s like two vertical, parallel lines. In a marriage, everything is on the table, and everything is shared. The couple’s lives are intertwined and resemble two lines that meet each other and continue as one line.

But there are a few things that go on before you tie the knot. Engagements and wedding planning! Even when you’re engaged to the love of your life, it’s still important to date each other and establish patterns that you want to take into your marriage. Next, is planning the big day! I have always loved weddings since I was a little girl and would often dress as a bride and hold a bouquet of flowers in my hands. My excitement to plan my wedding has only increased since then. But I was a little dismayed to find out how much a wedding costs. As of 2009, the average wedding cost $27,000. As a poor college student, I’m thinking about how many tacos from Café Rio that can buy. A wedding does not have to cost that much. Who pays for that anyways? Bride’s parent’s, loans, credit cards, the combined incomes of the engaged couple? All of the above? Let’s talk about the downsides to these. Problems with the bride’s parents paying for the wedding: parents might have the idea that the couple “owes them” because of everything they spent on the wedding instead of other things: Christmas at their house, grandkids at their house and so on. Loans and credit cards are obviously bad, and you should not start a marriage with a huge amount of financial debt because of one day. And the combining the incomes of the couple is a bit unrealistic for most people, seeing  how $27,000 is a lot to come up with in your twenties and thirties. All of these things create a strain on relationships – and it’s completely unnecessary. If you have a small budget, use it to the best of your ability. Is a wedding that is way out of your budget really necessary for your happiness? The purpose of a wedding is to celebrate the union of two families and present yourself and your spouse to the community as a married couple. So, these are just some things to think about if you’re planning a wedding in the future.

Preparing For Marriage

Today’s topic will be fun: Dating!

Is dating dead? Now days, it seems like people just “hang out” with each other and call it a date. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is not a date. For something to be considered a “date,” it needs to follow the rule of the three P’s: Paid for, Planned, and Paired off. Let’s talk about these for a moment. When I say “paid for,” I don’t mean a date is only a date if you use money. Instead, it just means having the resources in place. Next, “planned” means that you are not sending a spontaneous text at the last minute. It is thought through, and there is a “When” a “What” and a “Where.” There is a purpose. This also shows respect to the person you are asking on a date, and it tells them that their time is valuable. Planning things out also establishes that it is, in fact, a date and not just a hangout. Finally, being paired off means you and the person you ask on a date are together, and you two are responsible for each other. Look out for one another and keep each other safe. Pairing off also shows commitment to the person (which will later help you out in the future with your spouse – but that’s a later topic.) Dating is fun and it’s preparation for marriage. There’s the saying that the way we date is the way we marry.  So date a wide variety of people in a variety of ways because you can learn so much and make fun memories.

If dating is so great, then why is it so different now than it was 50 years ago? Today, it seems like we date fewer people, and from what I’ve seen, people mostly date exclusively and then dump the person later. “Date ‘em ‘til you hate ‘em” is a phrase that we use to describe this. This directly goes against what I said just a second ago. Why are people hung up on the titles “boyfriend” and “girlfriend?” Also, there is another unnecessary and silly problem with dating: We don’t know what it means anymore. People aren’t on the same page anymore. There are many stories where people don’t know if they’re dating or not. Or one thinks they’re dating and the other thinks they are just friends. This leads to a lot of problems and a lot of tension. Make it clear, people! And maybe, instead of calling it dating, if you are dating the person you want to eventually marry, call it a courtship. It’s so dumb that we have so many definitions and confusions over a concept that has been going on for years and years.

Anyways, dating – if done correctly – can be fun, memorable, and insightful. Date many types of people and try new things. And ladies, it’s okay to ask the guys out on dates. There’s a really great article about this that I encourage you to read. http://ldsmag.com/article-1-12419/

Marriage and Family in America

In this post, I'll just be going over some general information about the family in America.
As humans, we are social creatures and have a great need to be around people that care for us. A family is a perfect place to fulfill our needs to be connected and loved. There are so many wonderful things about the family and what it can do for us psychologically and socially. "Family" is something that is understood by everyone -- we all have a definition for it and know what being part of a family entails. However, there are some popular myths about family life that I would like to put to rest. First off, we have not lost the extended family. We are still connected to the other generations in our family, and the percentage of families that have in multigenerational homes rose to 16.1 since 2008 after it dropped for a while. Also, opposites don't attract. We're more likely to marry someone with our same values, beliefs, lifestyles, and background, and that marriage is more likely to be a successful marriage. But I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. This is just a general statement. Also, people don't get married because they love each other. Yes, this is a factor, but there are a lot of other factors as well that we either consciously or subconsciously take into consideration. Another myth (that I hear especially a lot) is happily married people don't have conflict. This is simply not true. The "happily ever after" that we think about is not realistic because there will be varying amounts of disagreements and differences. My parents are happily married, but they still argue over things sometimes. Am I to assume they don't love each other and that they aren't happily married? Of course not. Don't be led astray by this prevalent myth. Myths such as these can set unrealistic expectations, ruin good relationships, and make us unhappy in the long run in general. So it's important to seek out the truth for yourself. There are many other myths that are just as dangerous, but I'll move onto my next topic.
I've talked about myths, and now I'll talk about some facts. There have been ten social trends of the family that has taken root recently. Cohabiting, childbearing age, premarital sex, the age of marriage, living alone, and working moms are all trends that have increased in numbers in the last little while. Meanwhile, fertility rates have gone down. Also, divorce rates have been steady after they increased in number for a while. Some of these trends are negatively affecting the family system. The family is such an important topic. There are so many benefits and strengths to marriages and families. I encourage you to find ways to strengthen your own families and recognize the wonderful things about them.
The book Marriage and Family by Robert H. Lauer has many great insights about family if you are interested.

Gender and Family Life

Gender has been a hot topic recently. Everything from traditional gender roles and transgender identities have been addressed and debated over. But why?
To start out, gender is your sex -- whether or not you can draw your name in the snow, to put it bluntly. Recently, it's been changed to "the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)." I want to focus on what was said in the parenthesis. In sociology, there are two terms, ascribed status and achieved status. Ascribed status is the status that you are born with, such as race, ethnicity, and gender. Achieved status is the status that you... well, achieve. Examples of this term are student, parent, doctor, and so on. However, gender is being viewed more as an achieved status rather than an ascribed status now. Gender is now something that is chosen by the individual, and then developed. There is evidence, though, that gender is something that cannot be chosen. The brains of males and females are different, and thus, gender cannot be flip-flopped by surgeries or pills. This is a super touchy topic, and this fact is not popular in today's society. There is a video, and I'll include the link, that addresses the issues of gender and explains the science much better than I do.
http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=18&EndCue=2839&VideoName=5687_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos

This video also talks about the issue of gender differences. I love the claim in the video that states (along these lines) equality is not being the same. Males and females are very different. Our brain structures are different, but why is this scientific finding viewed as bad and offensive? With the feminist movement going on, the concept of women being equal with men has been warped with being the same. We are not the same. Women have more white matter in their brains, and men have more gray matter in their brain. That means women have more connective tissues, and thus can communicate faster and focus on many things at once. Women generally also focus more on relationships, verbal/non-verbal communications, and appearance. They are also generally more detailed-oriented. Males are more active, aggressive, protective, and have more spacial orientation.

There are differences in the brain, and there is also differences in body structure. Men are, on average, have twice as much upper-body strength than women. They are naturally built to be stronger and bigger than women. This fact has caused some issues, especially when it comes to career, and tensions are continuously building.

Instead of focusing on the bad things about each gender, just honor everyone, and who they are designed to be. Who we are is a result of evolution, the differences -- and similarities we have are meant to help us, the children that we raise, and the people that we make contact with. I encourage you to watch the video that I posted in the link above -- whether or not you agree with me.

Culture and Family

Every family has their own culture because not everyone's family is the same. Each family has values, beliefs, traditions, hobbies, roles, and personalities that differ from the next. We usually don't think about families as having their own culture. Instead, we mainly apply that term to countries and societies. However, culture is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as "the beliefs, customs, arts... way of life... way of thinking, behaving, or working that exists in a place or organization." The home can be seen as a small society/organization, comprised of family members, and it's important to ask ourselves what culture we want to create within our families. What values and beliefs do we want our family to have? What traditions and hobbies do we want to include? What roles do each family member have? The home is the place where children are taught and molded into who they are, so the culture we create within our families is very important.

Talking about roles, ones of my dad's many roles in the family is the jokester. He barely asked me, "What do you call an aligator in a vest?" I, having the role of the smart one (hehe) did not hezitate to reply "AN INVESTIGATOR!" I just had to add the joke, because it does show a little bit of my family culture. Cultures, although, are not just influenced by internal forces, but external forces as well. Class is a major part of culture, and the class that you are born into can affect your beliefs and how you act. There were some videos that I watched on YouTube in my Family Relations class called "Tammy's Story," "How to Marry the Rich," and  "Trouble in Paradise." These video gives great insight into the class system in America and how it can affect who we are and others around us. I won't go into it in this blog post, but I encourage you to watch it. I also encourage you to identify elements of your culture in your family and see just how unique your family is.

Marriage and Family Intro

The family is the most important thing in the world. As Will Durant stated, "[It] is the nucleus of civilization." And this could not be more true. It is within families that children learn, grow, and develop. Families provide the support and guidance a child needs as he or she goes throughout life and all its twists and turns. Parents play a vital role in their children's lives; they are the role models, teachers, and caretakers of the next generation. Recently, the family has come under attack, and fewer people are realizing the importance and of having a family and children. Going along with the previous quote, The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "We warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." The family is a fundamental part of society -- but also, on a more personal note, it's fundamental to a child's life.
I am blessed to have two wonderful parents, two lovable siblings (well, most of the time), and a large extended family. We are all very close, and we have -- and always will be -- there for each other. I am especially close to my mother, and with Mother's day being tomorrow, I feel it is appropriate to talk a little bit about her and the huge role she plays in my life. According to the System Theory discussed in my Family Relation's class, the family is made up of systems and subsystems: each person has their role in the family. And it's how these systems work and interact that can create a successful family. It's true when people say that a mother does a work of twenty for free. She has so many roles to fulfill, and one of them is being the glue for our family. She brings and holds us together, and makes us stronger as a whole. I'm constantly learning from my mother, and I am incredibly grateful for her example to me and my siblings. Today, we went to a painting class together and painted peacocks. It was such a fun girl's night and funny memories were created as we tried our best to make our peacocks look more like peacocks and not dinosaurs. And while we were there, I kept thinking about how important moms are in a child's life and the influence they have. So not only was tonight fun, but it also gave me a greater love and appreciation for my mom. Just like how families are the nucleus of civilization, moms (and dads) are the nucleus of the family.